Good bye to Charlie Part Trois

Time at home alone is all it took. Huge session. Until 10 am. Spent most of yesterday feeling really really down and in bed. Called in sick. Fucked it up. 1 month without and fucked it up again.

Why did I fuck it up? I don't know but I did. In fact I think I was planning it subconsciously. But it wasn't fun at all, I was bored, paranoid wired, and tired. I spent too much money. this stuff is evil. Its not great, its the thought of it that's great.

So... what to do.. The same thing I did last time I fucked up.. start again. And since we're approaching New Year's, it is a appropriate to begin a new fresh blog somewhere free from the Daily Number reminder of my addiction.

This blog has been extremely helpful in journaling my state of mind and I thank everyone who sent in comments and support. I am sure I'm going to stop this time around and I'm actually quite excited at the thought of the days ahead.

Is this a sad ending to this blog? I'm not sure that it is. It shows you that a crooked line is still a line (no pun intended) and takes you in a determined direction even though it may take more time. I have also discopvered that I like blogging a lot, and want to take it to the next level, but I don't want it to be just about this filthy habit of mine. There's a lot more to me than this crap.

I know I'm going to beat this - and I'm determined this next time - not calling it attempt - will be my last.I have learnt a lot about myself and the nature of this thing which gives me a lot of confidence in saying this.

I'm going for a total life change experience. I don't want to sound too (or even a bit) New Age, but I have come to the conclusion that you cannot treat the symptoms of stuff.

If anyone wants to stay in touch on my next blog when it starts, please email me and I will send you the URL.

Wish everyone a Happy New Year
Just4Blogs@btinternet.com

No liquid Xmas lunch I promise, just a bit upbeat to think that

- I have 2 hot leads for jobs, where my details have now gone
- I have 2 hot contacts which I will be seeing this week
- I have 3/4 future revenue generating projects, one of which I'm working on already.
- Things are getting a bit clearer.

I'm in control of this situation at work and definitely better than 4 weeks ago.

You know what I really want back? My sense of humour...
Laters

Had coaching call with my.. errmmm... coach this morning.
She doesn't do that much... just lets me talk and talk and talk, and you know it really helps.

The the C thing.. I'm getting stronger. Weeks ago I would have never been able to cancel the man. But I did. I thought of my daughter and my wife and the fact that daddy has promised to himself to get clean for Xmas. Hey, I'm not proud of myself but I've hurt no one - yet - except myself.... so I am at the point where return is perfectly possible.

I have to do a lot of Xmas shopping tonight.

Laters

in case ur wondering I'm still OK... but nearly fucked it up.
I was entrusted to baby sit tonight while my wife goes to a work Xmas do... and Mr Hyde came over me as i was driving.... I called the man, stopped with the baby asleep in the back of the car, and went to get some cash.

Which means,
the number was retrieved from the phone bill
I am an arsehole

Thankfully i came to my senses and cancelled the operation.

The important thing is I didn't fuck up, but not too happy with myself.

Laters

Gotcha!

Promise you its true. I'm still keeping at it a like a good boy. It nice to have that extra cash... and its getting easier and easier to manage.

Anyway its Christmas time and its been really crazy. We've managed to negotiate an extra 3 months on our lease which means we've put he stress of moving away.

I'm still jobhunting and networking, but it seems unlikely somethin will come up pre Xmas.

The thing is I can see myself doing various things in parallel... various projects for people, and also runnning my own business.

Awyway, just wanted to let everyone know that I'm keeping my nose clean.

The start of week 3.. how I am feeling?.... well not too bad. Its funny how The Pull dissapears overnight and Hydey boy leaves. I'm thinking of C first thin in the am. Not goot news. Ok gotta Shower shave and.. you know.

I HAVE FUCKING DONE IT GONE TWO WEEKS WITHOUT....

I had a bloody tough day which culminated in a really stupid conversation my my US colleague... It cannot be denied that I'm really grouchy at the mo... but its sort of justified...I am surrounded by morons.

Stuff which is a pain and which doesn't help

Our boiler doesn't work properly
the dishwasher's fucked
Barclaycard rejected me... bcause of a small spelling mistake of my surname on my utility bill (I spell out my surname 3/4 days a day... you English are so fucking lazy when it comes to spelling preferring to ask how to spell that knee-jerk style as soon as something sounds foreign, than to even have a stab a it. How do you THINK its spelt love... )but its going to get sorted out. I think. LOvely lady called Diana called me back after I called the guy on the form letter and pointed out that an organization like Barclaycard could not afford to lose a potential customer like me on the basis of a stupid clerical error - cookie cutters were mentioned and I think that did the trick. BUt anyway lots of stress
We're still looking for a place to live.. we have done a second viewing today but when I went back a whole room seemed to have dissapeared from the upstairs floor and the floor had switched from floorboards to laminate.
the plumber hasn't come round
Xmas shopping to do - I really hate this... look out of SPECIAL XMAS WHINGE soon.

So am I coke free? No way. I know I'm not there yer. Mr Hyde made me get off the bus on the way home and look for the Man. You know what saved me... I didn't find him (I've taken the nmber off the mobile).
This single incident has saved my bacon and I'm through the barrier... day FIFTEEN. I think this is great. Really, really great and pat on the back to me.

Tomorro on Day Fifteen I will be a bit pissed on he way home... I will need to make sure I go home direcly and don't see The Man on the way back.

Anyway... nity nite all you lovely bloggers

Today on the 8th of December... two weeks without coke.
Internet not working at home.. so just wanted to say fuck you Mr., Hyde I am now in control, not you. You're tempting me... there is a craving there despite a hugely busy day and the fact that I'm not feeling that well. This is crazy shit. I'm going to go home tonight and ry and get the internet to work again... and then I'm going to watch 3 sopranos back to back.. whilst my baby goes out for Xmas party. Wow... she's just called and is not going any more... so I guess I will see you on day 15 tomorrow.

Have a nice night

OK, this is the good news:

- Pretty good (bearable) day at work today, two good meetings, and I felt appreciated, for a change. Good vibes from one senior guy - could it be my next job?
- Couple of interesting business opportunities coming up.
- Mr Hyde is rearing up his head occassionally and I think this is what is causing my shitty moods as well.
- I've just bought by darling a dozen red roses, hope she likes them and make up a bit for yesterdat
- I have resolved a series of domestic problems we were having and I think we may have found our next house.
-I have raised £300 quid on ebay as working capital and now am starting to sell for real. Quite exciting!

The bad news is I have been turned down for a Barclay fucking card. How dare they? These things never are good.

Also my chest hurts when I breathe, I think I need to see a Gp. I never believe in stress related malaise but I think I may just use this weakness of GPs in my favour an get some time off wohrk.

I think my love right... i think I would feel better with bit of time off work... then I could line up two tall of this stress is getting to me.

I am a bit clenchy jaw-wise, but foresee a nice evening with my love and beautiful daughter. She's so gorgeous, if this wasn't such a private thing full of incriminating crap I would post up a pic.

Byes

Christ what a bad night. We did not get to sleep until 3 and I was up at 6. Huge discussion, but the state of my nerves is getting on my darling's nerves.

We have some serious problems to resolve. I need to try and stay more positive and spill less onto her. I hope I can really kick coke this time around.. it will be one less thing to worry about and hopefully my mood will improve.

I'm going to go to a GP and maybe get some time off work because of high stress levels... I will claim its affecting my performance. She's right, I need to not be in this fucking place. Then I will quit and see if I can get my 3 months from these fuckers, and maybe I will have 3-4 things to work on.

That would be perfect.