http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/en-EUMokoFeed10http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/ed/6d54b25e5000b1dc18bfc1fc8b8fab_160x200.jpghttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/29/day_two_and_last_entry_on_this_blog~424270/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-29:/2005/12/29/day_two_and_last_entry_on_this_blog~424270/Thu, 29 Dec 2005 14:51:38 +0100 <p>Time at home alone is all it took. Huge session. Until 10 am. Spent most of yesterday feeling really really down and in bed. Called in sick. Fucked it up. 1 month without and fucked it up again.</p> <p>Why did I fuck it up? I don't know but I did. In fact I think I was planning it subconsciously. But it wasn't fun at all, I was bored, paranoid wired, and tired. I spent too much money. this stuff is evil. Its not great, its the thought of it that's great.</p> <p>So... what to do.. The same thing I did last time I fucked up.. start again. And since we're approaching New Year's, it is a appropriate to begin a new fresh blog somewhere free from the Daily Number reminder of my addiction. </p> <p>This blog has been extremely helpful in journaling my state of mind and I thank everyone who sent in comments and support. I am sure I'm going to stop this time around and I'm actually quite excited at the thought of the days ahead.</p> <p>Is this a sad ending to this blog? I'm not sure that it is. It shows you that a crooked line is still a line (no pun intended) and takes you in a determined direction even though it may take more time. I have also discopvered that I like blogging a lot, and want to take it to the next level, but I don't want it to be just about this filthy habit of mine. There's a lot more to me than this crap.</p> <p>I know I'm going to beat this - and I'm determined this next time - not calling it attempt - will be my last.I have learnt a lot about myself and the nature of this thing which gives me a lot of confidence in saying this. </p> <p>I'm going for a total life change experience. I don't want to sound too (or even a bit) New Age, but I have come to the conclusion that you cannot treat the symptoms of stuff.</p> <p>If anyone wants to stay in touch on my next blog when it starts, please email me and I will send you the URL.</p> <p>Wish everyone a Happy New Year<br> <a href="mailto:Just4Blogs@btinternet.com">Just4Blogs@btinternet.com</a></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/29/day_two_and_last_entry_on_this_blog~424270/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/29/day_two_and_last_entry_on_this_blog~424270/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/14/day_vingt_veinte_vinte_twenny~386075/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-14:/2005/12/14/day_vingt_veinte_vinte_twenny~386075/Wed, 14 Dec 2005 15:38:27 +0100 <p>No liquid Xmas lunch I promise, just a bit upbeat to think that</p> <p>- I have 2 hot leads for jobs, where my details have now gone<br> - I have 2 hot contacts which I will be seeing this week<br> - I have 3/4 future revenue generating projects, one of which I'm working on already.<br> - Things are getting a bit clearer.</p> <p>I'm in control of this situation at work and definitely better than 4 weeks ago.</p> <p>You know what I really want back? My sense of humour...<br> Laters </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/14/day_vingt_veinte_vinte_twenny~386075/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/14/day_vingt_veinte_vinte_twenny~386075/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/14/day~385350/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-14:/2005/12/14/day~385350/Wed, 14 Dec 2005 11:01:50 +0100 <p>Had coaching call with my.. errmmm... coach this morning.<br> She doesn't do that much... just lets me talk and talk and talk, and you know it really helps. </p> <p>The the C thing.. I'm getting stronger. Weeks ago I would have never been able to cancel the man. But I did. I thought of my daughter and my wife and the fact that daddy has promised to himself to get clean for Xmas. Hey, I'm not proud of myself but I've hurt no one - yet - except myself.... so I am at the point where return is perfectly possible.</p> <p>I have to do a lot of Xmas shopping tonight.</p> <p>Laters</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/14/day~385350/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/14/day~385350/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/13/19~384609/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-13:/2005/12/13/19~384609/Tue, 13 Dec 2005 22:53:43 +0100 <p>in case ur wondering I'm still OK... but nearly fucked it up.<br> I was entrusted to baby sit tonight while my wife goes to a work Xmas do... and Mr Hyde came over me as i was driving.... I called the man, stopped with the baby asleep in the back of the car, and went to get some cash. </p> <p>Which means,<br> the number was retrieved from the phone bill<br> I am an arsehole</p> <p>Thankfully i came to my senses and cancelled the operation.</p> <p>The important thing is I didn't fuck up, but not too happy with myself.</p> <p>Laters</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/13/19~384609/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/13/19~384609/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/12/day_eighteen~380132/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-12:/2005/12/12/day_eighteen~380132/Mon, 12 Dec 2005 12:59:08 +0100 <p>Gotcha!</p> <p>Promise you its true. I'm still keeping at it a like a good boy. It nice to have that extra cash... and its getting easier and easier to manage. </p> <p>Anyway its Christmas time and its been really crazy. We've managed to negotiate an extra 3 months on our lease which means we've put he stress of moving away.</p> <p>I'm still jobhunting and networking, but it seems unlikely somethin will come up pre Xmas.</p> <p>The thing is I can see myself doing various things in parallel... various projects for people, and also runnning my own business.</p> <p>Awyway, just wanted to let everyone know that I'm keeping my nose clean.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/12/day_eighteen~380132/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/12/day_eighteen~380132/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/09/day_fifteen~372250/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-09:/2005/12/09/day_fifteen~372250/Fri, 09 Dec 2005 07:55:26 +0100 <p>The start of week 3.. how I am feeling?.... well not too bad. Its funny how The Pull dissapears overnight and Hydey boy leaves. I'm thinking of C first thin in the am. Not goot news. Ok gotta Shower shave and.. you know. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/09/day_fifteen~372250/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/09/day_fifteen~372250/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/09/day_14_yeeeeh~371905/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-08:/2005/12/09/day_14_yeeeeh~371905/Fri, 09 Dec 2005 00:07:49 +0100 <p>I HAVE FUCKING DONE IT GONE TWO WEEKS WITHOUT....</p> <p>I had a bloody tough day which culminated in a really stupid conversation my my US colleague... It cannot be denied that I'm really grouchy at the mo... but its sort of justified...I am surrounded by morons.</p> <p>Stuff which is a pain and which doesn't help</p> <p>Our boiler doesn't work properly<br> the dishwasher's fucked<br> Barclaycard rejected me... bcause of a small spelling mistake of my surname on my utility bill (I spell out my surname 3/4 days a day... you English are so fucking lazy when it comes to spelling preferring to ask how to spell that knee-jerk style as soon as something sounds foreign, than to even have a stab a it. How do you THINK its spelt love... )but its going to get sorted out. I think. LOvely lady called Diana called me back after I called the guy on the form letter and pointed out that an organization like Barclaycard could not afford to lose a potential customer like me on the basis of a stupid clerical error - cookie cutters were mentioned and I think that did the trick. BUt anyway lots of stress<br> We're still looking for a place to live.. we have done a second viewing today but when I went back a whole room seemed to have dissapeared from the upstairs floor and the floor had switched from floorboards to laminate.<br> the plumber hasn't come round<br> Xmas shopping to do - I really hate this... look out of SPECIAL XMAS WHINGE soon.</p> <p>So am I coke free? No way. I know I'm not there yer. Mr Hyde made me get off the bus on the way home and look for the Man. You know what saved me... I didn't find him (I've taken the nmber off the mobile).<br> This single incident has saved my bacon and I'm through the barrier... day FIFTEEN. I think this is great. Really, really great and pat on the back to me.</p> <p>Tomorro on Day Fifteen I will be a bit pissed on he way home... I will need to make sure I go home direcly and don't see The Man on the way back. </p> <p>Anyway... nity nite all you lovely bloggers </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/09/day_14_yeeeeh~371905/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/09/day_14_yeeeeh~371905/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/08/day_fourteen~370929/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-08:/2005/12/08/day_fourteen~370929/Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:54:34 +0100 <p>Today on the 8th of December... two weeks without coke.<br> Internet not working at home.. so just wanted to say fuck you Mr., Hyde I am now in control, not you. You're tempting me... there is a craving there despite a hugely busy day and the fact that I'm not feeling that well. This is crazy shit. I'm going to go home tonight and ry and get the internet to work again... and then I'm going to watch 3 sopranos back to back.. whilst my baby goes out for Xmas party. Wow... she's just called and is not going any more... so I guess I will see you on day 15 tomorrow.</p> <p>Have a nice night </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/08/day_fourteen~370929/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/08/day_fourteen~370929/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/day_thirteen~368533/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-07:/2005/12/07/day_thirteen~368533/Wed, 07 Dec 2005 19:34:20 +0100 <p>OK, this is the good news:</p> <p>- Pretty good (bearable) day at work today, two good meetings, and I felt appreciated, for a change. Good vibes from one senior guy - could it be my next job?<br> - Couple of interesting business opportunities coming up.<br> - Mr Hyde is rearing up his head occassionally and I think this is what is causing my shitty moods as well.<br> - I've just bought by darling a dozen red roses, hope she likes them and make up a bit for yesterdat<br> - I have resolved a series of domestic problems we were having and I think we may have found our next house.<br> -I have raised £300 quid on ebay as working capital and now am starting to sell for real. Quite exciting!</p> <p>The bad news is I have been turned down for a Barclay fucking card. How dare they? These things never are good.</p> <p>Also my chest hurts when I breathe, I think I need to see a Gp. I never believe in stress related malaise but I think I may just use this weakness of GPs in my favour an get some time off wohrk.</p> <p>I think my love right... i think I would feel better with bit of time off work... then I could line up two tall of this stress is getting to me.</p> <p>I am a bit clenchy jaw-wise, but foresee a nice evening with my love and beautiful daughter. She's so gorgeous, if this wasn't such a private thing full of incriminating crap I would post up a pic.</p> <p>Byes </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/day_thirteen~368533/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/day_thirteen~368533/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/day_thirteen~366931/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-07:/2005/12/07/day_thirteen~366931/Wed, 07 Dec 2005 09:22:53 +0100 <p>Christ what a bad night. We did not get to sleep until 3 and I was up at 6. Huge discussion, but the state of my nerves is getting on my darling's nerves.</p> <p>We have some serious problems to resolve. I need to try and stay more positive and spill less onto her. I hope I can really kick coke this time around.. it will be one less thing to worry about and hopefully my mood will improve.</p> <p>I'm going to go to a GP and maybe get some time off work because of high stress levels... I will claim its affecting my performance. She's right, I need to not be in this fucking place. Then I will quit and see if I can get my 3 months from these fuckers, and maybe I will have 3-4 things to work on.</p> <p>That would be perfect. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/day_thirteen~366931/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/day_thirteen~366931/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/start_of_day_thirteen~366384/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-06:/2005/12/07/start_of_day_thirteen~366384/Wed, 07 Dec 2005 00:01:51 +0100 <p>Fuck.. one more day and I will break the barrier and at least have accomplished something worthwhile this week. My body is now used to once every two weeks. Which is good but not good enough.</p> <p>I was re reading the old blog and it was interesting to see the evolution. I wonder if psychiatrists recommend journaling professioanally.... it could explain why people love online diaries so much.</p> <p>Anyway this little boy must get to bed now... big day tomorrow and all that. I have a presentation which my boss thought he would make a surprise appearance at.... I guess this is some sort of test. </p> <p>Objective is to keep a grin on my face and be very slick. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/start_of_day_thirteen~366384/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/start_of_day_thirteen~366384/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/06/day_twelve_musings_to_music~366066/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-06:/2005/12/06/day_twelve_musings_to_music~366066/Tue, 06 Dec 2005 21:53:57 +0100 <p>Well, I have some lovely Brahms on the background whilst I'm writing this. I've had the day from hell at work.</p> <p>Despite all assurances, I'm pretty sure that HR hasn't managed to keep their fucking trap shut about me going for that other internal job. As a consequence I'm fucked, since I didn't get the job.</p> <p>Cannot say I blame them, it was always going to be a long shot. Someone with the right experience and right profile turned up, they would've been mad not to take him/her on. So much for good losers, the bad news is that I now HAVE to leave very soon. I've shown my game.</p> <p>Today I've been told off by our GM, who's a failed English teacher, for failing to make the changes to a letter he asked for. The content of the letter wasn't to blame... oh no... that was "Excellent!", as he wrote in the margin. He likes writing in the marging and treating everyone like children. I made 99% of the changes but missed out a small tiny bit. The problem was with the phrase "...it was good to see many of you..." should have been "...it was good to see you "</p> <p>I made the changes he asked for, printed it off and guess what.. He comes into my office... Where's the letter with MY ammends. I say, I binned it. He glares into my eyes. I'm thinking...What do you think I fucking collect your scribbles you fucking pompous Essex wanker?. Get a life. So he makes me get the fucking letter from the bin, open it and lay it out. And there it was, in all its glory. The Mistake.</p> <p>Then he goes into a spin about how is it possible that I miss his corrections. How is it possible that such calamity has befallen us. How indeed. You see, this may seem trivial to me (and to you), but this is like the tip of the iceberg. Its not only my lack of attention to detail (there was an incident with purchase orders a few days ago)and my attitude, and by implication indicative of my brain deadness.</p> <p>Doesn't this sound like a guy about to get fired to you? It does to me.</p> <p>I'm 35 and I see guys like David Cameron (37)leading a whole political party (and he's gonna win the next election, you heard it here first) and I tell myself... how did I end up like this. How? I don't understand where I fucked up that majorly. I was always hardworking and ambicious. Are my people skills that bad? Do I piss people off that much?</p> <p>I'm frustrated professionally which is why I did cocaine. I was bored, wanting glamour, wanting a high in my life, fed up with my career. Why does anyone get addicted to anything? </p> <p>Anyway, back to the work thing. I have news for you, my love, my sweetie. If you want a secretary, GET A FUCKING SECRETARY. </p> <p>The problem is that I have fallen out of love with my job and the caring has also gone (just like a real relationship), so all you see are the defects. I can only do that kind of detail work properly, WHEN I GIVE A FUCK. Ask me about stuff I love, when I'm motivated I can recall anything at will, that's when my brain is into high gear. That's when I'm brilliant, and feel a buzz in my finger tips.</p> <p>I don't respect the people I'm working with for the simple reason that they don't let me be really part of the team, no matter how hard I try to change myself, no matter how much I try to adapt or conduct dialogue. I've tried to fix it more than they have, and theirs is a one way communication pipeline. Their way. </p> <p>I may be out of a job in the New Year. That's all I fucking need now. The Pull is strong today but I will not succumb... as I said The Pull and stress are close. My jaw is really clenchy (the dentist told me I had like 1 mm missing off my front teeth....) and tense. </p> <p>But there are worse things.</p> <p>Soon it will be the Ctrl-alt-delete of sleep... and with it a new day.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/06/day_twelve_musings_to_music~366066/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/06/day_twelve_musings_to_music~366066/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/06/day_twelve~364371/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-06:/2005/12/06/day_twelve~364371/Tue, 06 Dec 2005 11:24:37 +0100 <p>So, here we are again, facing each other.</p> <p>The truth is I don't know what's The Pull and what's normal stress crap.</p> <p>Guess what, last night I took the bus past where the pub where The Man operates. He's a very civilised Man, and I have only met interesting people through him. Much better than my previous Man who was a fucking gangster and made me get too close to the underworld for comfort.</p> <p>Anyway, I was on the bus, and I I honestly for the first time I can say I saw the start of control. I sais to myself:"nope". And I consciously, willingly, made the decision not to. It almost felt like a thawing snow where you see the ground for the first time ater a long winter, and it feels solid and comparatively dry.</p> <p>Its too close to say Victory is Mine (like Stewie in Family Guy) but there's hope.</p> <p>Laters </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/06/day_twelve~364371/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>getting-betterhttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/06/day_twelve~364371/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/sorry_day_eleven_matey~362385/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-05:/2005/12/05/sorry_day_eleven_matey~362385/Mon, 05 Dec 2005 15:54:18 +0100 <p>Sorry, not day eight its day Eleven already </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/sorry_day_eleven_matey~362385/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/sorry_day_eleven_matey~362385/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/day_eight~362377/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-05:/2005/12/05/day_eight~362377/Mon, 05 Dec 2005 15:51:28 +0100 <p>You make me feel like writing, write the day away.</p> <p>Isn't it incredible that right across he world, millions of bucks/yen/euro are being spent on unusused computer resources plus bored employees like myself. I am in effect using a massive media mogul's system to express my thoughts online. </p> <p>I've always wondered, I get on quite well with the IT guys here... I wondered if I was under surveyance, someone within the IT department would tell me. Imagine, suddenly all those searches for C-O-C-A-I-N-E all those AM I ADDICTED tests, all that shit... coming back to haunt you.</p> <p>That's paranoid android talk.</p> <p>For anyone who is interested or considering doing professional coaching, I'd say... do it. I have a lovely blondey coach about my age with one of thos lovely plummy English voices. She gives me exercises to do and stuff. LIke defining your values, etc. One of these days I'm going to spank her bottom. </p> <p>By the way I didn't get the internal job I went for. I think that a strong signal has been sent to my company. Change is in the air... I can smell it.</p> <p>The other thing I can smell is my own noxious breath... resulting from the first wave of Xmas excess. I was so sick this am, two pints and two glasses of red seemes like such a great idea at the time, last night with Season Three of 24. Then I watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and fucking great it was too.</p> <p>Tonight I'm going to cook some nice grilled veg. Or maybe that amazing recipe of my mum's for upset stomach: white rice, with a bit of boiled ham. Sounds revolting but its fantastic when there's a direct line between your mouth and your sphincter.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/day_eight~362377/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/day_eight~362377/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/day_eleven_part_quatre~361950/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-05:/2005/12/05/day_eleven_part_quatre~361950/Mon, 05 Dec 2005 12:57:47 +0100 <p>Yes, still keeping my nose clean.<br> I had written a wonderful entry last night but it got mucked up.<br> Anyway... this Friday is another 2 weeks without.<br> Christmas is getting to me this year. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/day_eleven_part_quatre~361950/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/day_eleven_part_quatre~361950/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/02/day_huit~354651/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-02:/2005/12/02/day_huit~354651/Fri, 02 Dec 2005 12:57:58 +0100 <p>I feel another Ode coming on</p> <p>Ode to my Boss</p> <p>Don't think you say?<br> You don't pay me to use my brain<br> Just do it<br> as the Nike marketing men say</p> <p>You used to sell footwear<br> Then bought your Pale Purple chariot<br> the golf clubs its precious cargo<br> more valuable than your wife,<br> which add lustre to your soul<br> and gve you something to say<br> at parties</p> <p>You wanted to be a lawyer<br> but are puzzled by expressions like<br> vis a vis</p> <p>Its Latin dear fellow<br> You know Latin<br> It comes from the time when dagos like me<br> ruled the world in our pyjamas</p> <p>And by the way my sweet<br> its "Cous Cous" not "Coo coo"</p> <p>Deep down<br> I know you're not that bad<br> Its just that you;re very very very average<br> and you know it.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/02/day_huit~354651/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>venomous-poemshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/02/day_huit~354651/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/02/day_eight~354528/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-02:/2005/12/02/day_eight~354528/Fri, 02 Dec 2005 12:03:18 +0100 <p>I will be away for the next couple of days people. So please don't worry about me as I will not be able to write over the weekend. </p> <p>Isn't it amazing that its day eight... again.... already... I'm really looking forward to cracking that 2 week barrier next week.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/02/day_eight~354528/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/02/day_eight~354528/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/day_seven~352493/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-12-01:/2005/12/01/day_seven~352493/Thu, 01 Dec 2005 16:58:54 +0100 <p>So, being a good boy now that my body is telling me to stop abusing myself.</p> <p>My boss is a prick, splitting hairs - he actually called me to his office about leaving half an hour earlier than I should have, when I'm in here every day one hour before he is.</p> <p>I have two job things going at the moment. One of them is not going to happen at all, but the other one is a potential. </p> <p>Tonight I hardly slept.. a combination of eye ball movies, stress and my daughter in the middle of the night.</p> <p>This is the worst tun up to Christmas ever, I'm also really fucking stressed out with the other thing we have to do - moving.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/day_seven~352493/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/day_seven~352493/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/30/day_err_what_is_it_now_six~350055/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-11-30:/2005/11/30/day_err_what_is_it_now_six~350055/Wed, 30 Nov 2005 18:11:31 +0100 <p>When the still sea conspires an armour<br> and its aborted currents breed tiny monsters<br> True sailing is dead</p> <p>I fucked it again and the Gods fucked me by giving me an epileptic fit which left me absolutely lying in bed the whole weekend. My body still hurts and my tongue is still bruised.</p> <p>A word about epilepsy: its very very painful. I've had it since childhood but a combination of stress and idiocy have combined to fucking originate a record breaking smacker. I hadn't had one as strong as that in a year.</p> <p>Bear with me one last time peeps. I'm only human and I'm feeling good about having this blog to...err blog to.</p> <p>In the words of the immortal Freddie: "The blog must go on"</p> <p>Love you all, please love me back. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/30/day_err_what_is_it_now_six~350055/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>fuckwithttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/30/day_err_what_is_it_now_six~350055/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/day_thirteen~336053/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-11-25:/2005/11/25/day_thirteen~336053/Fri, 25 Nov 2005 10:20:04 +0100 <p>I am looking forward to this weekend, or perhaps not because we're giong to spend it working and looking at flats. Tonight however I'm gong out with and old friend of mine, for dinner... two old roomates an Uni relaxing a bit from being dads and being reponsible... the soul needs it.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/day_thirteen~336053/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/day_thirteen~336053/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/day_thirteen~334162/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-11-24:/2005/11/24/day_thirteen~334162/Thu, 24 Nov 2005 16:03:47 +0100 <p>Hi everyone<br> I'm too busy to write more but everything is cool, and Mr Hyde is away. Nothing much to report at the moment...and not feeling too inspired....</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/day_thirteen~334162/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/day_thirteen~334162/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/day_eleven~332040/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-11-23:/2005/11/23/day_eleven~332040/Wed, 23 Nov 2005 18:58:23 +0100 <p>Hi everyone, no I didn't fuck up... just been really busy with work and stuff at home.</p> <p>Just finished a sales conference which went extremely well and I have come up with the best Fuck You ever to my boss . I am going to be inteviewed for a much better job within my company, right across the landing, right under his nose. I would be working for a much more important guy. At the same time there's another external job prospect which I'm really interested in, plus a few new "entrepreneurial" contacts which I have made recently. So things are looking up in this respect.</p> <p>I am feeling like getting some right now to celebrate, but I wont I PROMISE!!!!. Did you see Coked Up Britain on SKY One two days ago... all true stories, which sounded familiar. I have something very important which is the trust of my famly and friends... I'm not seen as an addict.</p> <p>I'm off home right now for some red wine and and a take away in front of the TV.</p> <p>Take care all </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/day_eleven~332040/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/day_eleven~332040/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/21/day_nine~325470/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-11-21:/2005/11/21/day_nine~325470/Mon, 21 Nov 2005 14:30:38 +0100 <p>Well, two weeks milestone in now in the horizon. The Pull is definitely more manageable than it was before, and I simply have so much to do at the moment that I thnk it will be easy to make it through the two week barrier this time. I have a dinner on Friday when I will be probbaly a bit pissed, and will find myself on the bus thinking... "mmmm. woudl be nice now.". I will have a strategy ready.. even if it means getting a cab home.</p> <p>Got into work to learn I have fucked up, yet again, in the eyes of my boss. I have schedule a meeting which I should not have. I have apologised profusely to ghim and to our MD. If this guy had any balls he would make me an offer to leave, but instead he prefers to slowly remove my oxygen and to see if I snap. Well I will not snap you fucking motherfucker.</p> <p>A bit of St. John's wort in a bit, a bit of a vent online, and good as new. Smile back on the face.</p> <p>My head hurts.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/21/day_nine~325470/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/21/day_nine~325470/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/20/day_eight~323268/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-11-20:/2005/11/20/day_eight~323268/Sun, 20 Nov 2005 17:55:12 +0100 <p>been a bit clenchy today.. I think its because its back to work tomorrow.</p> <p>Sunday afternoons... mmmm. I could never really handle them them well.</p> <p>In case you're wondering, yes I finally got some and very nice it was too thank you very much. Pop goes the weasel and all that.</p> <p>Back to ebay. I'm trying to keep my spirits up and from thinking of the week ahead.</p> <p>Mr Hyde is not been around really, although I'm definitely feeling the old Pull today, but when I rationalise it I don't actually feel like any coke! If my dealer turned up with a free g, I could not do them. Its just a withdrawal thing, difficult to explain. My head hurts a bit.</p> <p>See ya 2 morrow</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/20/day_eight~323268/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/20/day_eight~323268/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/19/day_seven~320933/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-11-19:/2005/11/19/day_seven~320933/Sat, 19 Nov 2005 20:18:22 +0100 <p>Oh God just had a fight with the missus... but we've made up already. My girl is great but she's messy and gets aggressive when thi is pointed out - so one thing led to another and it was like "I Will not have you getting drunk and yelling at me!!!!" (oh my God Domestic Violence is happening tro me... mmmm). I had had exactly one beer while ebaying some old DVDs... and I had just pointed out that one of the drawers in the chest od drawers in the living room was like watching a Tim Burton film on magic mushrooms, that the living room table was covered in her hair ("well I'm doing my hair in the living room so you can sleep longer in the mornings (my jaw drops in amazement...Oh hang on a sec I get it I'm supposed to be GRATEFUL that the living room table is metamorphosing into a carpet ) and how did she have the nerve to costantly nag me about every time I interact with just about anything in the house.</p> <p>Anyway you get the picture. </p> <p>We've not had sex in a couple of weeks. I wonder what it is.. coke is meant to kill your sex drive and it does for a couple of days afterwards. I'm inclined to think its more to do with the tiredness and the pressures of life.. Maybe she's got a lesbian lover (hello... back to heart mate!!!). Maybe we'll get round to it tonight after the dinner party we're going to.</p> <p>Later.</p> <p>J4B </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/19/day_seven~320933/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/19/day_seven~320933/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/19/day_seven~320062/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-11-19:/2005/11/19/day_seven~320062/Sat, 19 Nov 2005 14:47:53 +0100 <p>Hi<br> Just been to see three flats in SW6 London for rent. They were fucking awful, all of them, no exception. We are looking to pay up to 1.4 K a month.<br> The first place was in front of a estate.. the inside was nice-ish but had no no real character to it.<br> The second place was a tiny 2 bed cupboard which was being done up with the best will in the world by the nice hopeful landlady who you can tell is dying to move out of London.<br> The third place was pink, with carpets all over the place,crap cheap design IKEA furniture, shit framed movie poster and a landlord who wanted references, emploteyer's statement, bank statement, rectal examination, dental records, semen sample and great grandands birth certificate.<br> For the record:<br> The UK has some of the lowest quality, smallest, worst finished property and most expensive property in the world. Check out the fucking paint stains in any newly done up property. Check out the crap people put up with because they have no frame of reference.<br> Make no mistake about that.<br> People who own property seem to think this gives them the right to act like Hitler's cousin. Why can't you get your fucking money's e worth. 1.4 K on rent is not nothing man, as the state agent with his cheap suit and Australian accent has been trained to imply.<br> Why is it that no matter how much you make you end up feeling piss poor in spirit .Why does this very simple human activity of finding a place live have to be so soul destroying.<br> Slight Pull today, but am trainign myself to loosen my jaw every time its gets clenchy, eventually I will get out of the habit.<br> One week ago i fucked it up.. I'd rather not think about it any more.<br> Made 150 quid on ebay this month so far... I'm really enjoying it, its great fun.. have made 3 sales to US costumers already and have had enquiries from Canada, Spain, Sweden anbd Switzerland. Ebay is amazing..Now that I have some transactions under my belt I'm going to run some financials this weekend and start to formalize it a bit more... anyway gota stop rambling... enjoy the sunny freezing weekend!<br> J4B </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/19/day_seven~320062/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/19/day_seven~320062/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/18/day_six_its_the_weekend~317157/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-11-18:/2005/11/18/day_six_its_the_weekend~317157/Fri, 18 Nov 2005 10:48:10 +0100 <p>My boss is away this Friday which means plenty of time to job and house hunt. Did I mention we're moving...? Yup just to add to the fun and games</p> <p>Here;s all that's going on in my life at the moment<br> - finding a new house<br> - being a dad to my 1 year old and husband to my wife<br> - keeping my existing job and coping with he Man in the Lilac Volvo and assorted crowd<br> - Defining a new direction in my career and life<br> - Getting my finances under control<br> - Giving up bad habits<br> - Losing weight<br> - Looking at various business ventures and opportunties<br> - Looking at studying some more </p> <p>Its a lot. When you try to do too much in one go you set yourself up for failure. On the other hand I think that its doable provided you organize yourself well.</p> <p>Mr Hyde is locked away somewhere... a combination of the flu and less exposure over a month are combining to make me not even think about it. Which is great.</p> <p>Off to do some work now and earn my keep.</p> <p>One day I'm going to get my passion back. Passion is power. Man.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/18/day_six_its_the_weekend~317157/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/18/day_six_its_the_weekend~317157/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/17/day_five~314748/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-11-17:/2005/11/17/day_five~314748/Thu, 17 Nov 2005 12:32:39 +0100 <p>So.. how do I feel today?</p> <p>- happy that the sun is shining<br> - happy with our new car<br> - happy about my first call last night with a "life coach" which was illuminating and interesting.<br> - my boss is not being a prick today</p> <p>I'm feeling good overall and wish everyone a cool day.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/17/day_five~314748/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/17/day_five~314748/#commentshttp://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/16/day_four~312373/tag:givingitup.blog.co.uk,2005-11-16:/2005/11/16/day_four~312373/Wed, 16 Nov 2005 15:15:02 +0100 <p>Good to see I'm getting some of the old traffic back...</p> <p>For those odf you new to this unfolding drama</p> <p>PREVIOUSLY ON GOOD BYE TO CHARLIE</p> <p>The third attempt of a 35 year old man with a wife and daughter and job stresses, to give up a 5 year coke 1/week habit.</p> <p>The last two attempts have lasted 2 weeks each and were described in a blog which I erased in a fit of anger. 14 days is like some sort of barrier which I am now gong to break.</p> <p>Introducing Mr. Hyde... that part of my brain which takes over and makes all coke related decisions. Mr Hyde personifies addiction an is similar to Alan Carr's "tape worm". He will die by the end of this new blog.</p> <p>The Pull = slight desire for C, withdrawal symptoms, clenchiness of the jaw, and overall bad mood. The Pull lets Mr Hyde in.</p> <p>Giving this shit up is my Xmas gift to myself and my family.</p> <p>Good intentions WILL last this time.</p> <p>Enjoy </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/16/day_four~312373/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://givingitup.blog.co.uk/2005/11/16/day_four~312373/#comments