Well, I have some lovely Brahms on the background whilst I'm writing this. I've had the day from hell at work.
Despite all assurances, I'm pretty sure that HR hasn't managed to keep their fucking trap shut about me going for that other internal job. As a consequence I'm fucked, since I didn't get the job.
Cannot say I blame them, it was always going to be a long shot. Someone with the right experience and right profile turned up, they would've been mad not to take him/her on. So much for good losers, the bad news is that I now HAVE to leave very soon. I've shown my game.
Today I've been told off by our GM, who's a failed English teacher, for failing to make the changes to a letter he asked for. The content of the letter wasn't to blame... oh no... that was "Excellent!", as he wrote in the margin. He likes writing in the marging and treating everyone like children. I made 99% of the changes but missed out a small tiny bit. The problem was with the phrase "...it was good to see many of you..." should have been "...it was good to see you "
I made the changes he asked for, printed it off and guess what.. He comes into my office... Where's the letter with MY ammends. I say, I binned it. He glares into my eyes. I'm thinking...What do you think I fucking collect your scribbles you fucking pompous Essex wanker?. Get a life. So he makes me get the fucking letter from the bin, open it and lay it out. And there it was, in all its glory. The Mistake.
Then he goes into a spin about how is it possible that I miss his corrections. How is it possible that such calamity has befallen us. How indeed. You see, this may seem trivial to me (and to you), but this is like the tip of the iceberg. Its not only my lack of attention to detail (there was an incident with purchase orders a few days ago)and my attitude, and by implication indicative of my brain deadness.
Doesn't this sound like a guy about to get fired to you? It does to me.
I'm 35 and I see guys like David Cameron (37)leading a whole political party (and he's gonna win the next election, you heard it here first) and I tell myself... how did I end up like this. How? I don't understand where I fucked up that majorly. I was always hardworking and ambicious. Are my people skills that bad? Do I piss people off that much?
I'm frustrated professionally which is why I did cocaine. I was bored, wanting glamour, wanting a high in my life, fed up with my career. Why does anyone get addicted to anything?
Anyway, back to the work thing. I have news for you, my love, my sweetie. If you want a secretary, GET A FUCKING SECRETARY.
The problem is that I have fallen out of love with my job and the caring has also gone (just like a real relationship), so all you see are the defects. I can only do that kind of detail work properly, WHEN I GIVE A FUCK. Ask me about stuff I love, when I'm motivated I can recall anything at will, that's when my brain is into high gear. That's when I'm brilliant, and feel a buzz in my finger tips.
I don't respect the people I'm working with for the simple reason that they don't let me be really part of the team, no matter how hard I try to change myself, no matter how much I try to adapt or conduct dialogue. I've tried to fix it more than they have, and theirs is a one way communication pipeline. Their way.
I may be out of a job in the New Year. That's all I fucking need now. The Pull is strong today but I will not succumb... as I said The Pull and stress are close. My jaw is really clenchy (the dentist told me I had like 1 mm missing off my front teeth....) and tense.
But there are worse things.
Soon it will be the Ctrl-alt-delete of sleep... and with it a new day.